Log in

ill show you who i am

 so its been a bit since ive posted and alot of fucking shit has gone down. its been hot and sticky and my body is under the most stress ever. i seem to be handling it like some kind of champ, but it hurts and my chest will squeeze on occasion.
i feel like i suffocaiting because im dealing with everyone else.
im done with people saying that they try to make everyone else happy. im done hearing complaints nand im done with the bitching. its my turn now and i never do it out loud until i explode.
ive been biting my fucking tounge and ive just been chilling.
i just got out of it with my babies daddy and ive been really hurt.
yeah he gave me a chance when i cheated on him, whatever the fuck that means.
but he never let me forget it.
and yeah ive given him more chances then he has ever given me. the way he would talk to me, and he was so adiment about respect and the way you talk to people. but the way his mouth would go when it came to me, amazes my mind
calling me a fucking cunt and a vindictive whore. calling me these names then saying he loves me and wants no one else. wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.
i tried so hard to make it work. every waking moment was with him. every chance i had was in his arms trying to make him happy. complying ,which i dont do well, trying to smile and trying to pick my battles. letting things slide and just relaxing. or trying to, but no. he made me feel like i was nothing, and i cant take that. i do nothing for him and he told me on that drunken stuper that he had no feelings for me. he said i was fucking my best friends boyfriend. which you know what. ive done some fucked up things, but when i say i will never fucking cheat on you again, i try my hardest to do just that. 
plus shit yo, my bff's man is fucking 5 years younger than my dad. no thankyou. no thankyou. no thankyou. he's a great guy. but um NO!
he says that his family bitches about me, and im always proving them right. that im nothing and i dont do anything. he put his hands on me, which he has never done, but that day he did.
he wouldnt stop calling me a cunt.
so i threw a sippy cup at him
he's like 200 something lbs. wow. did that plastic cup make you bleed.
and with all his anger and weight he shoed my tiny 105 lb body in the couch.

he said he would bash my teeth in.
i kicked him in the chest, but still consider the weight difference here.

everything was going well. we were in love. dancing and making plans, and doing things together slowly working as partners and becoming better parents, and doing things as one. not as two seperate parties.
and he fucked it all up.
he begged me not to leave him, tears streamed down his face like a gentle angel, and i felt like a piece of shit.
but i had to do what needed to be done. it was all that i could do.
and this time there is no going back.
and just like every other time he will turn his life around and find someone better than me. because thats what i do best. i leave and they fix themselves, all of a sudden becoming everything they needed to be to become a better man. i guess im like good luck chuck.
shit yo im cursed, and i will for ever be in shitty fucking relationships, so that they can move onto the next life and become a better man for another perfect woman, and ill be shit on.
everytime i go heads over heels. im fucking shit on.

i dont care anymore.
this summer is going to be great and i will change my luck around. this time ill be the one. this time theyll get theres and ill have a smile on my face. i need to unleash because im done with people thinking they know who i am.
you dont know shit...

ill show you

please stop.

  i fell hard into those unrealistic love stories, and im constantly wishing that they were real. if only those words that he said to her, could be true. if only that picnic by the beach, with the roaring waves crashing against the jagged rocks, could happen. if only. i hold on, and hold on. its like i can't escape from my own head. i can't help but imagine what it would be like, if you were to choose me. would we be living together? would you teach me how to cook? would you call me every two hours, while at work, just to make sure that i wasn't bored. would we fit over stupid things; like where did you put your wallet? or puttin the toilet seat down? would you hold me close if i was upset, or kill the guy who tried to pick me up at the bar? would you read all of my writings, and praise me for my school work?
i cant help but think about these things, day in and day out. i've been consumed by just the essence of you, just your name being uttered. even if its not you, my heart sinks and my body tingles. maybe these are all things that i just think up, and there not feelings.. maybe there just thoughts that i think because i hold on. i wish. im dumb. 

i tried to call you, and you turned off your phone. i think you lied about your new phone being run over. Or you just bought a new one. you told me you had something to tell me, and now you wont talk to me. this conflicts me, and this makes me want you more. i keep dialing your number, and hearing your voice mail and i melt. why dont you want to talk to me? what did i do? i never did anything to you. ....and now im starting to get angry....
im hoping that it will be on tomorrow. so i can hear your voice. i shouldnt even dial your number. my fingers shouldnt know it, but they dial on there own, and i cant control them. ill do this over and over until you pick up, or i just let it go. i dont know. i just dont know what to do with my thoughts, my heart, my fucking life. i dont want to be like this, and i dont want to have all of these feeling for you, but its almost like i have no choice in the matter. why can't life be like those movies, that i force myself to watch. or the songs that i listen to, wondering if you're hearing the same thing i am, and thinking of me. i feel like im obsessing. i hate that. i hate when a man like you consumes my every breath, because i shouldnt be doing this. i have someone, that loves me unconditionally, and for some god forsaken reason... i dont ... no.
i do love him, you know this. you can tell, when i hesitate over the phone with you. but you know that you still have me.
do you ever think about me as much as i think of you? do you ever drink yourself stupid, because you couldve had me, but you cant now? i dont know if you do or if you dont, but my mind will go there, and all of a sudden i feel better about myself. i want to have that control over you, like you do with me. i want to see you around, me looking my best, and you just starring at me regretting. i really want that. just to have that satisfaction.
i cant ... i cant do this to myself, because eventually ill be hoping that my standing relationship, will melt away. so that i can be with you. this is why i dont like being torn, and leaving him for you, would devastate him.. it would be his demise. i think he would kill you. i think he would die.

im gunna go now. and im gunna try your number one more time. then after that im going to bed. 

maybe ill dream about you.


...and i dont have time to play.
theres blisters on my fingers and arms.
from where you used to burn me.
with your loving soppy touchs.

stop running through my head please.
its starting to drive me tired
and those things you used to do to me
are now as irritating as fleas

its not your fault that i hold on
but i have no one to blame
i have to find your every flaw
before i tear myself away

i remember your little finger wrapped around mine
dont think that i forgot
you told me that she did not exsist
but you lied, and now you'll rot

you know you picked the wrong damn girl
and i wish that it were me
but now i found my love again
so thought just go and be

miss daisy is hot.

 im watching driving miss daisy, and its been a while since ive seen this movie. i was supposed to be with jimmy not writing stupid shit on livejournal at 115am. im fucking tired but i dont want to sleep and i have this urge to carve shit into my body like some emo kid listening to fucking simple plan. fucking shit im so depressed right now. i really wanted to see him, and kiss him. i really wanted to party with him  and im so tempted to just fucking take a day off tomorrow, but i need the money and i dont want to piss them off. i like my job. well no
i like money
im just done right now, and im gunna go have a smoke. i dont know why, but i am. ill have jimmy buy me a pack tomorrow, since i gave the nukkah 50 bucks, and i still owe retards money. fucking shit. 

im gunna go die now.
hahahahhaha jk lovelovelove


if there's a book. i want to buy it.

everything is confusing, and i dont know what to do about it.

useless anticdotes

So here is the fuckng stitch with me lately. Classes are getting nuts, despite the fact that I only go Monday and Wednesday this Mod, it seems like I cant keep up with the chapters. If Im not going to school, I'm working nights. If I'm not working I'm with my kid. If I dont ave my kid I'm cleaning my room. If Im not cleaning my room, Im with Alissa/ Jimmy/ Any one else. Its getting slightly overhwhelming, and the funny thing is, I dont go to bed till like 3 am, and it doesnt seem like Im running on empty but I certainly am.
It's hard for people to tell when Im stressed or emotional. Unless you catch on to my extra witty sarcasim and my huffs and puffs. I become more snotty and rude. I usually get short tempered, and my mind will wander anywhere else... then the place that I am. I've been thinking about the whole Harold moving in close to my best friend. It worries me, because I feel like I'll never ever see her now. Not that I'm seeing to much of her anyway, but if he moves closer chances are.. he'll be at Satans quite a bit. God it makes me cringe. I know Jimmy would be pissed if he knew we were there at the same time. I dont think I would ever ever ever fuck him again, just for the fact that he's a douche bag and an asshole. Jimmy doesnt know this though. I guess what Im saying is, is that Im not going to leave if Harold shows up at Satans. FUCK THAT., Ive already been through that bullshit with Michelle, and she won and I lost my other best friend. Fuck if Im losing Alissa. She's the only person I can stand, other than my family. I dont know. Im just stressed.
Jimmy's going to assume that if Im with Alissa, Im there because Harold lives close. I dont give a shit if he lived in a box, right in their parking lot, Id sill fucking go. Im not interested in him, his personality and his being fucking disgust me. He's a lying pig, and he's always going to be like that. Its to bad too, because he is attractive on the outside lol.
I dont want to be put on some chain. I dont want to have to go to Alissa's and have Jimmy call 50 times, or just pop up to check on me. Thats ridiculous. and if it gets nuts.
i will end it.
there is nothing if there isnt trust. 
and trust me he doesnt trust me.
he says "I trust you baby but..."
there is not but. you either trust me or you dont. Am I right? I mean jesus fucking christ almighty. everytime im in a relationship, i bind my lungs up so i cant live or breath. i choke and gag and complain and bitch. its horrible what a relationship does to me, but the feelings i have for him are so strong, I try my best to work through them, but he doesnt budge or lossen up. he doesnt need to change... he stopped doing coke.... i need to change. 
what i need to change is
do the laundry
clean house
learn to cook
do the laundry
clean house
learn to cook
repeat repeat repeat

catching my drift. and yeah i dont do those things, and you know what i have gotte better. i do my laundry and logan's once a week. i never get around to putting them away, but they are clean and folded. i can cook some things, but im no chef. i got chicken down, and i make a mean chicken. i can bake sometimes, but mostly i over compensate the time and end up burning my first batch. everytime. im not to good at cleaning house. but i pick up after myself, and my son. i was raised to pick up after myself. i dont think i have to walk behind someone, and pick up there mess. im not your maid. fuck you. and this is all he tells me, and i dont know. i dont know whatelse to do.
he says i dont budge, and when i try to talk things out, about the problems we have. he gets me worked and we get to fighting and then we're yelling and nothing gets solved, except we know we can scream and he can throw things. i try to be calm with him, but he's so aggressive and i get deffensive. it is my nature to do so. all my life ive felt i had to defend my case. it doesnt matter if it doesnt have to do with me. the thing i cant stand is that im no longer able to cry, because everyone takes it as pity. I DONT WANT YOUR PITY. its useless. and unsincere anyways. i dont like people feeling bead for me.. ill just get more down on myself.
im talking nonesense
so im out



where are the taxes? im nervous that maybe i put the wrong routing number, but im so sure that i haveit right. im so paranoid. i just dont want jimmy to be mad. please please please dont be mad at me. youll get a check, just youll have to wait baby. Please Please Please have that money in my account tomorrow. Please Please for me, do this for me. Im begging you. All I want is for him to be happy and get the feck off my back. please. god please.

dont cry yourself to sleep

its saturday and my boyfriend went to a keg and egg party. he hasnt attempted to call me back at all. i took the whole fucking day off and did nothing. nothing at all. but smoke pot and watch a god damn movie. i mean it was boondock saints, but jesus fucking christ. i was hoping to get smashed or something. i dont know. i need a car or something because this fucking sucks anal. 
i really really want to go out and i cant.
the one night my mom says
go out and have fun
i fucking dont.

dont break the house rules

leave everyone and their mother the fucking number/ because if you cant be found then youve been kidnapped/ what has happened to my generation/ are you serious, because i was sure the only person who needed to look for me is my mother/ call my work/ pose/ fucking search the ends of the world/ im passed out on the couch in troy/ drunk/ im 21.. thats legal right?/ i thought it was/ 
im rotten also/ i cant open my mouth without worrying that im being rude/ fuck that/ im not fucking rude all the time/ why do i have friends?/ why is it that i deal with everything at once/ calmly as possible/ im not human/ like some fucked up robot, i comply and pretend i have no emotion and im not straining/ im not suffering/ im not listening to bright eyes and fucking crying/ no/ im a selfish rotten unappriciating fucking sleaze/ i get no "im sorry cayla. I love you"/ I dont/ and you know what, what is it that Im doing wrong?/ am i listening wrong? do I turn my back on people?/ i dont really get anymore. and its starting to kill me/ is there a "Right way to be you 101" class?/ if someone can teach me how to be me but better/ fucking sign me up/ i done fucking trying/ i'll jsut be as mean as people think i am/ ill give them a reason to talk and call me rotten/
i sure will/ call me and find out/ its 465-0422/ if you want to talk to me.. chances are i'll just tell you to eat me and hang up/ i can do that/ cause apparently im a FUCKING ROTTEN ASSHOLE!/ 

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                   
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                          
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck                                 fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck


im sorry. i know that im bitching, but fuck. i rarely ever get to bitch to anyone. ever. except my family and im sure there pretty much done with that whole idea. i just dont understand people anymore. i really dont. i want to. but its like there is a fucking brick wall up and im not allowed to know or something. its like seriously. all the people that i know. all the "friends" that I chill with, are like down my throat about being me. its like youve known me for how long and your just now letting me know. fuck you. im done trying to change for people, if they dont want to change why should i? why is it always me and im always the problem. then fucking people wonder why i fuck up and make mistakes. its expected so i do whats expected. if all im known for is my mistakes why should i strive to be awesome. no one cares when i do awesome shit. its only when im "rotten" or "sarcastic". fucking christ. im done with this shit, for serious now. I dont want to socialize period. im becoming a recluse. and locking myself in my bedroom. im only going to eat soggy bread and green tea. 
hhahahah no.
i hate soggy bread.

im so lost right now. i just dont know which way is out of this maze, and i keep getting side tracked by the smell of new cheeses. it keeps bringing me to a fucking dead end, and i have to turn around and try to find the end. im to sort to see over the walls, and no one will peek and help me.

i'll figure all this shit out soon. if i have to kill someone.
then so be it

complexity, temptation, and thirst

blackened out the small space that you reside
trying my best to stop
stop my fingers from moving closer
stop my body from moving farther
and drag along my will, my mind, and my hope

trying to build the trust in him
he won't hurt my darling
but he wont touch me either
and pull his hands up to my face so I can have that thirst

my eyes point and dodge
they stretch to the furthest corners
looking for that other thing
and its killing him, my complex, my boredom

clench my fist and give away
my worthy-less heart, so I can breathe
without my lungs being squeezed
and hopefully my eye's will open, into his, and see what he see's

temptation rises his dirty hand again
i know this will be soon,
when the sun is close and the moon is hours away
and when I sweat, and smile, my eyes will stretch again

the sweet smell of chemicals in pools,
the thumping of the boys in rides,
my eyes will stretch I can count on it,
and i won't fail, won't touch, won't seduce