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please stop.

  i fell hard into those unrealistic love stories, and im constantly wishing that they were real. if only those words that he said to her, could be true. if only that picnic by the beach, with the roaring waves crashing against the jagged rocks, could happen. if only. i hold on, and hold on. its like i can't escape from my own head. i can't help but imagine what it would be like, if you were to choose me. would we be living together? would you teach me how to cook? would you call me every two hours, while at work, just to make sure that i wasn't bored. would we fit over stupid things; like where did you put your wallet? or puttin the toilet seat down? would you hold me close if i was upset, or kill the guy who tried to pick me up at the bar? would you read all of my writings, and praise me for my school work?
i cant help but think about these things, day in and day out. i've been consumed by just the essence of you, just your name being uttered. even if its not you, my heart sinks and my body tingles. maybe these are all things that i just think up, and there not feelings.. maybe there just thoughts that i think because i hold on. i wish. im dumb. 

i tried to call you, and you turned off your phone. i think you lied about your new phone being run over. Or you just bought a new one. you told me you had something to tell me, and now you wont talk to me. this conflicts me, and this makes me want you more. i keep dialing your number, and hearing your voice mail and i melt. why dont you want to talk to me? what did i do? i never did anything to you. ....and now im starting to get angry....
im hoping that it will be on tomorrow. so i can hear your voice. i shouldnt even dial your number. my fingers shouldnt know it, but they dial on there own, and i cant control them. ill do this over and over until you pick up, or i just let it go. i dont know. i just dont know what to do with my thoughts, my heart, my fucking life. i dont want to be like this, and i dont want to have all of these feeling for you, but its almost like i have no choice in the matter. why can't life be like those movies, that i force myself to watch. or the songs that i listen to, wondering if you're hearing the same thing i am, and thinking of me. i feel like im obsessing. i hate that. i hate when a man like you consumes my every breath, because i shouldnt be doing this. i have someone, that loves me unconditionally, and for some god forsaken reason... i dont ... no.
i do love him, you know this. you can tell, when i hesitate over the phone with you. but you know that you still have me.
do you ever think about me as much as i think of you? do you ever drink yourself stupid, because you couldve had me, but you cant now? i dont know if you do or if you dont, but my mind will go there, and all of a sudden i feel better about myself. i want to have that control over you, like you do with me. i want to see you around, me looking my best, and you just starring at me regretting. i really want that. just to have that satisfaction.
i cant ... i cant do this to myself, because eventually ill be hoping that my standing relationship, will melt away. so that i can be with you. this is why i dont like being torn, and leaving him for you, would devastate him.. it would be his demise. i think he would kill you. i think he would die.

im gunna go now. and im gunna try your number one more time. then after that im going to bed. 

maybe ill dream about you.

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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
amandistry
Apr. 17th, 2008 03:29 pm (UTC)
<3
We all want those fairy tale love stories. Because we're lame and no they don't ever come true. Sometimes they come pretty close. =] life's complicated.MISS YER FACE WOMEN!
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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