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useless anticdotes

So here is the fuckng stitch with me lately. Classes are getting nuts, despite the fact that I only go Monday and Wednesday this Mod, it seems like I cant keep up with the chapters. If Im not going to school, I'm working nights. If I'm not working I'm with my kid. If I dont ave my kid I'm cleaning my room. If Im not cleaning my room, Im with Alissa/ Jimmy/ Any one else. Its getting slightly overhwhelming, and the funny thing is, I dont go to bed till like 3 am, and it doesnt seem like Im running on empty but I certainly am.
It's hard for people to tell when Im stressed or emotional. Unless you catch on to my extra witty sarcasim and my huffs and puffs. I become more snotty and rude. I usually get short tempered, and my mind will wander anywhere else... then the place that I am. I've been thinking about the whole Harold moving in close to my best friend. It worries me, because I feel like I'll never ever see her now. Not that I'm seeing to much of her anyway, but if he moves closer chances are.. he'll be at Satans quite a bit. God it makes me cringe. I know Jimmy would be pissed if he knew we were there at the same time. I dont think I would ever ever ever fuck him again, just for the fact that he's a douche bag and an asshole. Jimmy doesnt know this though. I guess what Im saying is, is that Im not going to leave if Harold shows up at Satans. FUCK THAT., Ive already been through that bullshit with Michelle, and she won and I lost my other best friend. Fuck if Im losing Alissa. She's the only person I can stand, other than my family. I dont know. Im just stressed.
Jimmy's going to assume that if Im with Alissa, Im there because Harold lives close. I dont give a shit if he lived in a box, right in their parking lot, Id sill fucking go. Im not interested in him, his personality and his being fucking disgust me. He's a lying pig, and he's always going to be like that. Its to bad too, because he is attractive on the outside lol.
I dont want to be put on some chain. I dont want to have to go to Alissa's and have Jimmy call 50 times, or just pop up to check on me. Thats ridiculous. and if it gets nuts.
i will end it.
there is nothing if there isnt trust. 
and trust me he doesnt trust me.
he says "I trust you baby but..."
there is not but. you either trust me or you dont. Am I right? I mean jesus fucking christ almighty. everytime im in a relationship, i bind my lungs up so i cant live or breath. i choke and gag and complain and bitch. its horrible what a relationship does to me, but the feelings i have for him are so strong, I try my best to work through them, but he doesnt budge or lossen up. he doesnt need to change... he stopped doing coke.... i need to change. 
what i need to change is
do the laundry
clean house
learn to cook
do the laundry
clean house
learn to cook
repeat repeat repeat


catching my drift. and yeah i dont do those things, and you know what i have gotte better. i do my laundry and logan's once a week. i never get around to putting them away, but they are clean and folded. i can cook some things, but im no chef. i got chicken down, and i make a mean chicken. i can bake sometimes, but mostly i over compensate the time and end up burning my first batch. everytime. im not to good at cleaning house. but i pick up after myself, and my son. i was raised to pick up after myself. i dont think i have to walk behind someone, and pick up there mess. im not your maid. fuck you. and this is all he tells me, and i dont know. i dont know whatelse to do.
he says i dont budge, and when i try to talk things out, about the problems we have. he gets me worked and we get to fighting and then we're yelling and nothing gets solved, except we know we can scream and he can throw things. i try to be calm with him, but he's so aggressive and i get deffensive. it is my nature to do so. all my life ive felt i had to defend my case. it doesnt matter if it doesnt have to do with me. the thing i cant stand is that im no longer able to cry, because everyone takes it as pity. I DONT WANT YOUR PITY. its useless. and unsincere anyways. i dont like people feeling bead for me.. ill just get more down on myself.
anyways.
im talking nonesense
so im out




lovelovelove
cayla

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
bedre_tider
Apr. 1st, 2008 05:01 am (UTC)
fuck you, but i fucking love you.
i'm sorry this is all so stressful :(

you're missed xo
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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