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pulling an all nighter

im currently finishing my warhol painting for today's class. i havent slept. im not even tired. 
i have alot of things on my mind, but really ive made it up. it kind of sucks, but i know its what i have to do because i can't be the heartbreaker anymore. i love this kid with all of my heart, and he's my everything.
i talked to harold tonight, but this was only because some wierd number called my house at like 12 am. no one calls this house after 10 pm. its against house law. i tried to call the number back but the bitch kept hanging up on me. so i called harold to see if it was his fucking girlfriend.. apparently now his ex. we talked for a bit. he was drunk off vodka, and apparently puking. he was so apologetic and sweet. he felt so bad for treating me like dirt and doing the shit he had done. he told me that he has been kicking himself in the face for the shit he pulled and the choices he made.
i say "i just want to let you know, that you made the wrong choice. and now its to late."
he says "i know. trust me i know."
and the way he said it, made my heart sink far into my chest. i told him that i do still think about him, and he kept saying he wanted to talk to me sober. i know whats right though, and jimmy is the only one for me. i love him and he's the only one who has stood by my side and has never done me dirty. ive never had a guy like this. it is understandable that i still think about harold. i really liked this kid. i sincerely liked him. but its to late now, and there is nothing that can be done now. im with jimmy period.
he told me to call him tomorrow at 10, which i agreed too, but i have class so i might have to give him a ring when i get home. i dont have a cellphone so there is really nothing that i can do. i know what im going to say... that is if he picks up his phone.....
he told me that i had him smiling and laughing and he enjoys talking to me, and thats a shame because he was the only guy that i could talk to for hours. seriously. it wasnt just a 15 minute chat, it was hours on the phone with each other. give or take a few interuptions. he says that he's been drinking alot, and it numbs his feelings. maybe he really sincerely feels like he made the wrong decision. at this point i cant tell. he's lied to many times for me to decifer. 
i know what im going to say to him, ive been planning it in my head. wether or not it actually stays with me when he picks up or if it'll just dissapear like always..i dont know. 
i say,
harold i really like you. i do and because of this i dont think i can talk to you. i dont think i should be even dialing your number. i love jimmy and because i love him i have to cut the contact. out of site out of mind. if we do see each other in public, then we see each other. other than that...i'm sorry. you really hurt me alot, and i know that you know this. but in order for me to stop thinking about you. i just have to stop talking to you. 

god it probably wont even happen that way, but those statements must leave my mouth.

who died and made you loser?

OMG my toes are fucking freezing and I think I should invest in socks. Although I am very against sock wearing. they constrict and choke my feet. and i hate that. i can barely wear shoes let alone socks. ugh. 
yeah this might make me gross.
but i dont give a FUCK asshole.
yeah so this week was adventurous. although i was supposed to go on an adventure on tuesday with katie b, i fucking couldnt get a hold of her so i ditched. i felt bad, but my legs can only set still for moments. then im all like "whats the boy doing?" and i have to get laid you know.
plus the pot is amazing.
is that bad?
ILOVE YOU KATIE but we ditch each other all the time, because we = losers. 
i hate school
i hate the cold
i hate socks
i hate work
i love my boy
and i love my son
and i love 1500 dollars
peace nukkah

omg ive had Culo by Pitbull in my head for days and its making me crazy. fucking hot capricorns drive me crazy in general. why is it that you want what you cant have? thats not fair at all. I do want what i have, but what i dont have i only crave more.. and that my friend is a catch 22. im screwed all around. because what i have is good, but i want better. and im so into improving those things, but usually it never happens. like why the fuck my boyfriend wont wear a polo. i dont consider that preppy. i like rustic rough hardcore men with a nice style.. it just makes them that much hotter. its not like im telling you to wear pink and pluck your eyebrows. i just want to see that hot body in a polo. i like it, and a polo looks good on any guy.
am i wrong?
well tomorrow I so want to fucking go see my jimmy, but first i need a hair operation. its fucking dead, i know this. because i cant stop dying it. but i wouldnt be me if i didnt change my hair once a week. you know? hahhaa. but yeah the back of my head is this rocking purple color, but it kind of bled to the front, and now my hair looks really dark. i mean i was like a violet color today, i scrubbed my whole body with bleach it kind of stung. but it had to be done. so tomorrow im gunna go and fucking get the front of my head highlighted, again. just two big chunks ($12) up at price chopper plaza ...maybe my bangs too. see if they can wash out the rest of my hair because when i rub my hand in the back of my head it looks like a pen exploded in my hand. its kind of wierd. and not cool.
so hopefully i will have it like the way i want it, and im not hearing it from those hairdressers. im telling them what I WANT DONE.
everytime i get my hair did, they change my mind or try to tell me shit that isnt true and like then my hair isnt mine anymore and i have to to go home and fucking fix it the way i want it to be done. im not having that this time. just because you went to fucking votech and got your hair dresser liscence, doesnt mean you know shit about shit. it just means you have a liscence to do something that other people cant.
i mean if youre from hollywood and has worked with some famous celeberities. then maybe yeah.. do whatever the fuck you want. no you work on soccer moms and preppy borderline gay boys hair. so fuck that bitch. im not them, so your going to listen to me and your going to like it. because i will kill you if you fuck this up. refuse to pay.
and run the hell out of the store.


...i want your attention

 fucking dumb ass labtop shut down and i had a good blog too. FUCKING ASSHOLE BATTERY! aaaaaaaaah

i have a critical problem. I have a fucking pimple coming in under my nose and it hurts like a mofo. i want to burn it or like rip my face off or something. wouldnt that be amazing? im watching survivor right now and its probably the gayest shit ever invented. but hey you get a million bucks and your fame, so whats not better. its a good excuse to get into cocaine, fall into depression, do stupid run off shows, and get made fun of. then you can kil yourself and not do your taxes and forever be that person that did well on survivor. YES amazing.
god these girls are so fucking cute with awesome bodies and shit. JEALOUS right now.
im thinking im a loser.

i want to party soon. who wants to party with me

fucking grand day to my self esteem

well I got to sleep in. I woke up, smoked my newport. found my awesome hat, and my work skirt. mom let me take the car, and down to east nassau i went to see my beautiful man Jimmy [whom allowed me to give him a mohawk] fucking smoked a joint, fucked twice, had some delicious cookies. went off to work. now i started working 6-11 for some strange reason, which kind of sucks anal, but its okay. well the last 20 minutes probably was only adding frosting to my ego cake. im "zoning" and this gorgeous hardcore boy, but nicely dressed is mosing up the main isle. i look over and almost melt. he was probably 5'7 with that strong jawline, and the perfectly percisely shaven face, burning green eyes OMG i felt like i was cheating just looking at him. He looked my way then stopped just after my isle, strolled backwards. looked at me and then walked down my isle. when he left i think i turned into mush. i walked back out into the main isle and he turned around and made his way back. again glancing at each other.
and i was all "look no touchy" in my head. cause if i dont do that, my first intention is to react and get his number. [im a hound]
then he's at one end im at the other. he's mosing around there for a while, playing with his cell. then the announcement comes over and the store is about to close in 15 minutes. OMG greatest 5 minutes in my life. But i was good, and all i did I was lood. because i have to train myself to behave and be a good girl. thats what good girls do. they dont cheat. and im not going to. because i dont want to be the bad guy.

fuck it its vday tomorrow and i bought my baby so much shit. he's taking me to get new jewelery for my lip and septum. im thinking about getting snake bites and maybe my labre also. or monroe. i havent decided. but i want more tattoo's too, which jimmy is gunna give me with tax returns. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. tomorrow im gunna be all sexxxied up with skinny jeans, pumps, showered,[cause being filthy would be wrong], corset and a nice shear black shirt underneath. im all set. trust me this outfit is in good taste, im not a slut dispite what you may think.
sluts are someone who run around wearing their numbers on there sleeve. i never did that. i never ran around saying "I fucked this person that person those persons." ew. gross. half the time i shouldnt be proud. HAHHA. no offense guys. some of you just think "Oh i got a big dick. I dont have to do shit." well sorry hun, you do. grunting is not appealing and trust me Im no good at faking. Its all about motion of the ocean. Length is just a plus. 

fuck im out time to sleep.

im done talking to you fucknuts.

ps: did i tell you guys that i have a stalker? ie;kyle coplands brother.

fuck the stars

it  makes me sick that capricorn men are so fucking hot, and i ..being a scorpio... is so compatible with them. and yet the one capricorn...ie harold hoffffaloser... ruined it for me. fucking cocksuckingcuntlickeranalsuckingassholebastard. why do i even dwell when i have such a great man right in front of me. dont get me wrong. i love jimmy i do. but when i dont get to say what i want to the person i want to say it to. i bitch and moan about it until i either forget about it...let it go...or i do it. and im hoping i bump into the slut.

this station is non operational

i just got out of work and my bones are very tired
my hands are dry from the dust that i shift
and when i sneeze my ribs scream
i got food poisoning yesterday
from the pizza and fuck, i did pay
my baby said "I want" and i handed him the 20 dollar bill
so i can pay my way into being good again
because if being the bad guy is the only way
then ill hand him a bill every fucking day
i swear to god that i dont swear at all
and i swear to you that im not a fucking liar
honesty is the only policy everyone around me constently tells me
and those words make me want to spew all over this tiled trendy floor
my day wonders and wonders like a record on repeat
listening to all these fucking people in my head
and im starting to realize that none of them are my own
WIRE HANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mother dearest

the song that makes me cry

Exit Music- Radiohead

if you ever want to kill someone or leave with your lover. or leave with your lover because you killed someone. OR leav with your lover and then kill them. this song is probably your song. and no ive never done any of those. except leave to be with my lover and...be really angry. its kind of like a lovesick teenager song about two lovers running away to get away from there stupid parents. which is kind of any highschool kids life. because you know what. highschool kids dont understand that the guys that they are with now.. are not going to be your husband or your one and only. its unrealistic. wake up and shut up. seriously. 
especially to those girls/boys ...well no..to the those GIRLS who are dating the older men and thinking "This is it for me" Fuck that. you should know that if they are with you and they arent going to school and they are old enough to drink, then your just the girl they want to keep around while they fuck around. get my meaning.

wow how did this turn into an annoying rant? fucking gay of me.
i dont give a shit who you fuck or love
just listen to the damn song

7. is a tainted number

i think i ate to much pizza.

i work now and its kind of crazy... my life... that is. im up to 7 now, and maybe im in over my head. i shouldnt let it get to my head, and i should never think of it as a number but thats how we do things, here in this time. thats how things happen. numbers. i dont think its that bad, and im being careful about it. but maybe i made the mistake of adding one person to this group that i shouldnt have. he isnt a bad guy but his friend is. his friend and i have a horrible past, and it ended up with me getting my heart broken and him.... i dont know.
i asked for it i guess. because this kid knew where i worked and i knew that eventually they would show up and my heart would sink and i would feel like vomiting, but i was hoping like a month down the road and not so soon. then again. i shouldnt assume. i guess i just want to expect that everything will work out the way i want it to, but it never really does. its like my blood pumps to drama, and i knew that some how it would happen again. cause it never fails.

i finally went xmas shopping and i have to exchange my dads gifts because i got him the wrong size shirts. the funny thing is, is that i bought him shirts that are hip and that the kids where these days. you see he uh, buys me clothes all the time.. or at least his wife does and i never really like them. i mean she has been getting better at her choice of clothing, but still. i tell her that i dont want clothes.. and just maybe a gift certifcate, but no. so now im returning the favor. i know my dad will like them just cause i bought them for him. i guess.
i also have to get a gift for my brother. which should be fun, because i have NOT A CLUE what to get him. oh and i have to uh... fucking.... my moms partner too. i have to get her something.
i dont know.
these days are boring other than my sex life.

oh and one more thing. i went out friday night and uh vomited in some guys car. i felt really bad, because it was my first time meeting him and i dont think i made a good impression. apparently i passed out and then was a bitch after he woke me up. im such a jerk. then again thats just me, when i pass out from my drunken escapades... dont fucking touch me. leave me be, because im a fucking bitch.

cc audrey
fishing for a fight?

are you ready?

do you really wanna do this?

cause im not kidding.
im waiting for the first move
throw 'em up.

shots of the whiskey
down my.
getting dizzy.

(ugh cant think of anymore)