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June 10th, 2008

ill show you who i am

 so its been a bit since ive posted and alot of fucking shit has gone down. its been hot and sticky and my body is under the most stress ever. i seem to be handling it like some kind of champ, but it hurts and my chest will squeeze on occasion.
i feel like i suffocaiting because im dealing with everyone else.
im done with people saying that they try to make everyone else happy. im done hearing complaints nand im done with the bitching. its my turn now and i never do it out loud until i explode.
ive been biting my fucking tounge and ive just been chilling.
i just got out of it with my babies daddy and ive been really hurt.
yeah he gave me a chance when i cheated on him, whatever the fuck that means.
but he never let me forget it.
and yeah ive given him more chances then he has ever given me. the way he would talk to me, and he was so adiment about respect and the way you talk to people. but the way his mouth would go when it came to me, amazes my mind
calling me a fucking cunt and a vindictive whore. calling me these names then saying he loves me and wants no one else. wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.
i tried so hard to make it work. every waking moment was with him. every chance i had was in his arms trying to make him happy. complying ,which i dont do well, trying to smile and trying to pick my battles. letting things slide and just relaxing. or trying to, but no. he made me feel like i was nothing, and i cant take that. i do nothing for him and he told me on that drunken stuper that he had no feelings for me. he said i was fucking my best friends boyfriend. which you know what. ive done some fucked up things, but when i say i will never fucking cheat on you again, i try my hardest to do just that. 
plus shit yo, my bff's man is fucking 5 years younger than my dad. no thankyou. no thankyou. no thankyou. he's a great guy. but um NO!
he says that his family bitches about me, and im always proving them right. that im nothing and i dont do anything. he put his hands on me, which he has never done, but that day he did.
he wouldnt stop calling me a cunt.
so i threw a sippy cup at him
he's like 200 something lbs. wow. did that plastic cup make you bleed.
and with all his anger and weight he shoed my tiny 105 lb body in the couch.

he said he would bash my teeth in.
i kicked him in the chest, but still consider the weight difference here.

everything was going well. we were in love. dancing and making plans, and doing things together slowly working as partners and becoming better parents, and doing things as one. not as two seperate parties.
and he fucked it all up.
he begged me not to leave him, tears streamed down his face like a gentle angel, and i felt like a piece of shit.
but i had to do what needed to be done. it was all that i could do.
and this time there is no going back.
and just like every other time he will turn his life around and find someone better than me. because thats what i do best. i leave and they fix themselves, all of a sudden becoming everything they needed to be to become a better man. i guess im like good luck chuck.
shit yo im cursed, and i will for ever be in shitty fucking relationships, so that they can move onto the next life and become a better man for another perfect woman, and ill be shit on.
everytime i go heads over heels. im fucking shit on.

i dont care anymore.
this summer is going to be great and i will change my luck around. this time ill be the one. this time theyll get theres and ill have a smile on my face. i need to unleash because im done with people thinking they know who i am.
you dont know shit...

ill show you



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